Fortune Cookie Friday

Can you help me understand who is writing the fortune in the fortune cookies?

“Everybody, even those that don’t like Chinese food, knew that you had to eat the cookie for the fortune to come true. And so he did.” ― Justin Swapp

A quick aside – A fortune can be defined as a prediction of future events, both favorable and unfavorable, and/or a prediction of destiny or fate.

Back to the blog.

As an HR professional, I am of the opinion that fortune cookie writers either need to be fired or given a raise.

My argument for the first option is fairly simple. Your job is to write a fortune. To do that, I feel like having a firm understanding of the definition of the word ‘fortune’ is pretty imperative – or as us HR folks like to say…it’s an essential function of the job. We have absolutely creeped into the space of that fortune cookie writer having a total lack of understanding of what a fortune really is. You know what I’m talking about – 97% aren’t fortunes! Am I right? (The answer you are looking for is yes; it’s my blog and let’s just go with that). It’s clearly not the right ‘fit’ for the fortune cookie writer and we should send them on their way over to a greener pasture. Works out for all of us in theory.

On the other hand, how could you not reward the fortune cookie writer who is so utterly talented at being terrible, that they’ve got everyone convinced they are doing all of us Asian-food-eating-people a tremendous service by providing a sniglet of deep, forward-thinking thought, on a tiny little rectangular piece of paper that’s shoved into the already baked cookie by a tiny little fortune ninja? I mean, the level of effort required to produce such odd ‘fortunes’ alone is worthy of reward and recognition. Wouldn’t you agree?!

In any event, I’ve started to collect fortunes (from the cookies) as I come across them and I now even ask friends and family to save them and give them to me so I can have them handy for material. And yes, every time I say, “Whoa whoa whoa!! Don’t toss that,” with the tone of ‘Have you lost your mind?!’, and lunge forward to grab the fortune from the cookie, I get strange looks. Every. Time. But you have to understand; I find endless entertainment in attempting to interpret them. And I find endless entertainment in attempting to delve into the psyche of the fortune cookie writer – what really was their headspace like when they thought that fortune up?!

So my gift to you – that’s right…all 7 of you reading this – is what I’m excited to call, “Fortune Cookie Friday”. Because who doesn’t want to kick off their weekend with a fortune that has been interpreted in some way by yours truly.

A quick show of hands to anyone who doesn’t want that……no one?… one?……see, people want this.

Let’s get right to it.

The Fortune: “The older the crab, the tougherhis claw.”


Evidence of the fortune collection.

Love a good typo. Three cheers to quality control and spellcheck.

This fortune ranks pretty high in my list of favorites, so I feel like it’s a great way to kick off my Fortune Cookie Friday series; there is something about it, including the superb typo, that makes me laugh so hard.

Just think for a minute that you’re a person (obviously) and you’ve really got a lot going on in life, you’re desperately looking for some deep-rooted meaning to present itself to you that ties all of it together so you can understand the purpose of it all. At the suggestion of a friend who believes in mediums/spirits/fortunes/palm readers you decide to pony up some coin and make an appointment to meet with a world-renowned fortune delivery person. You’ve told yourself, “Self. This is going to be great. Life will make so much more sense. Let’s freakin’ rock this fortuneteller meeting!”

You get to the meeting, you’re feeling a rush, you are in the moment. After a brief exchange with the fortuneteller, in a darkly-lit room, with crushed velvet curtains and faux wood paneling, your nerves subside, and you’re confident this is completely legit.   You feel certain that all the crazy things that have been happening to you are about to make total sense. You are so high on life that you are even starting to plan a monumental thank-you gift for your dear friend who suggested doing this in the first place, “Oh that Patricia. Dammit she’s good. She knew just what I needed in this moment. That gal deserves a killer gift as a thank you for this life changing moment!”

The fortuneteller continues their process. Sage has been burned. The works. There’s a long pause. OMG Here it comes!! Wait for it. Wait for it!!

Fortuneteller: “Well, Suzie Cream-cheese, The older the crab, the tougherhis claw.”

You stare blankly at the fortuneteller. Speechless. And not in a good way.

Fortuneteller: “That’ll be $200. I take cash, check, or credit card.”

Now all you want to do is slap Patricia and make her give you your $200 back.

The older the crab, the tougherhis claw? Really?!

Aside from it being utterly sexist in nature and riddled with an amazing typo, it sounds more like potentially life-altering insight that I would have received from my Baltimore people when I went to my first steamed-crab picking feast after moving up there!

It’s hilarious in so many ways. But when you remember that those earth-shattering words of wisdom were neatly tucked away in a semi-stale fortune cookie, it’s just out of control funny.

In my opinion, of course.  And, yes, i’d give that fortune cookie writer a raise.  For sure.

So, as you kickoff your weekend, just remember that the older the crab, the tougherhis claw.  It will serve you well.

Welp. Happy Fortune Cookie Friday!

4 thoughts on “Fortune Cookie Friday

  1. Sooo funny! Where do you get this train of thought? Cannot wait for the next installment! You make my week with these. Keep them coming…..


  2. Best one yet! I’ve been saying for years they aren’t fortunes. They are aphorisms at best and the occasional “next time order the shrimp” my all time favorite! Well done my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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